Lets
talk dating, courting, kissing and sex
Hey
thank you for the responses sent on the blogs let me address some of the things
that have come up as questions. I need to be clear to you that the Word of God
is the best foundation for building your life. I have seen so many people
hurting and going through so much pain because they never took heed to the Word
of God. Let it be clear in you mind Hollywood does not love you; they did not
die for you all they want is your money and your soul to go to hell. They
ensure they depress enough people to sell anti depressants to and enough people
with HIV to sell ARV’s enough divorces to say marriage does not work try our
option of alternate lifestyles, the list goes on.
On
the other hand God loves you so much He sent Jesus to die for you and paid the
ultimate love price to show that His intentions are not malicious. The irony is
that we believe the lie and reject truth, thinking God is trying to take away
our fun in life. Anyway enough of that lets look at some responses.
“I am a young man who has found his
other rib and has paid the bride price... me and my fiancée we have had our
sexual moments and we both agreed to hold that till we get married now my
challenge is how do I show her I love her without kissing her and ending up
having sex... I have heard ladies saying that church guys are of no fun so
please help me I don’t want to break our agreement of not having sex until we
get married but now how do I make her feel loved?”
This
is a big question in the minds of many young people and the answer is simple
enough. For a guy showing me that you love me is give me sex and we often make
the mistake of thinking that women think the same way. Sex to a woman is an
expression of the closeness that you share particularly when the woman feels
she can open up to you and be vulnerable. I was shocked when I got married and
discovered that sex does not translate to love in my wife’s head. At this
moment if you keep the promise you made to her you might communicate to her
that you do live and value her more than any other act.
Secondly
it is Hollywood that has painted the picture that the ideal “exciting
relationship” is the one where every date ends up with the two of you tearing
of your clothing and biting each other and you end up making love in the car,
bed or some other strange place. This works in marriage but non-committal
relationships leave you with a bad taste and guilt and heartache.
I
highly recommend that courting couples avoid doing things that get your sexual
gears going like touching, petting, caressing, smooching and extended high
pressure hugs. Now if after you read this you say wow that has taken away all
the fun things we can do then you are boring and your creativity is below sea
level. There is more to love and marriage than sex, when you get married you
will get very stuck and sex will have lost value to you. If the sexual pressure
is high then set an earlier wedding date and get out of the danger zone. Sex
kills creativity and proper discovery of each other as this will now cause you
to be motivated to be together only for sex.
Remember
you motivation is love for each other not that you are afraid of going to hell.
I had opportunity to have sexual intercourse with my girlfriend then but the
thought of messing up her life and value system and the thoughts that she would
think that I just want her body not her helped me make some decisions that
helped me. In counseling couples that have had sex before marriage and are
about to get married we often say to the guy you need to apologize to your
girlfriend because as the head you are supposed to protect her and by doing
this you have violated trust and you need to build a strong trust foundation
before she can totally open up to you without the same feeling of being taken for
a ride. She goes through the relationship thinking, “I am just a pair of bums,
thighs and breasts and I am a vagina. I am not a person but a toy to give him
entertainment.” I had something to look forward to at our honeymoon and that
made everything that much more special. Though I had a lot to learn I was so
ignorant but that’s a topic for another day.
You
need to talk to each other a define fun according to you and the Word of God.
There is a reason why God said flee fornication and there are benefits. Its
always a bit sad when we marry couples that have been doing it as there is no
excitement to say “wow I am going to discover something new” its more like
“well been there done that, got the empty condom packet to prove it”. A
honeymoon should be filled with anticipation and anxiety, oh wow what will he
think? What will I do? How will she respond? Too many times we have too much experience.
This is one area where your CV should say no experience in this area.
Hope
my language is not too strong for you if it is its ok we all need a shake up
once in a while, but this is how we are in the young adults couch. Speaking the
truth in love.
My
second response is to a young lady with the following question.
Good
evening Sir
Thank
you for a lovely blog, it’s blessed me a lot.
Firstly
can we define what courtship is?
As a
sister, you are at a point in your life when you looking to settle down so you
meet a lot of brothers and after getting to know them, u have an idea of who you
would like to continue with from the circle of friends.
As a
lady, I like to define everything in my life, so since dating isn’t really seen
in the Christian society, there’s a gentleman whom I’m interested in and he is
interested in me but we aren’t dating, we just friends so there’s not really
any commitment towards us.
And
then you find that this gentleman is going around having dates with other
ladies as he is free to do so because the two of you are just friends.
It
usually leaves a lady in a position where she is hurt.
Are
there different stages between courting and engagement?
Wow
this is deep my sister let me me begin by saying thank you for the comment
about the blogs, its always good to know someone is being ministered to.
To
answer you let me begin by defining courtship. This is the process of focusing
your attention on a particular person and investing time in the relationship
with the intent of establishing a meaningful marriage relationship.
In
other words you find some one you have a keen interest in and you want to
establish a relationship that will lead to marriage. You are not experimenting
you are focused because he/she meets your requirements list and you feel
confident that God is happy with your choice. This is not the stage of
investigating basic info. Is he seeing someone else, is he a visionary person?
Does he have a trustworthy character etc. this should have been done way before
you even begin to settle on making room for him in your life.
Many
people ladies in particular wait until late to get the 411 (vital info) and by
the time they get it they are already getting dizzy with love (infatuation)
that they cannot think straight. I hear this a lot “Pastor I am confused this
guy is like this and that I love him but…” think of it you only attend
interviews to jobs that you are comfortable with because you research on the
company that’s about to hire you. Why not use the same sense when it comes to a
lifetime commitment?
To
avoid getting hurt control your hormones and emotions by speaking to them and
keeping your head then when your info is clear let him into your space slowly,
this is heart and emotion space not body space. This leads to the courtship,
which again should be, build on trust and accountability. I tell my daughters
don’t trust a guy who is not accountable and submitted somewhere, he will play
you, hurt you chew you and spit you out and you are left to clean the sticky
mess. Value yourself and carry yourself in a way that will make him value you.
After all you are worth it, have you seen how beautiful you are?
As
the courtship stage matures he should begin to take the relationship seriously
and should introduce you to key people that will evaluate you and see where the
two of you are headed and that’s about the time that he should ask you to marry
him and engagement etc. engagement is a point in time during the process of
courtship that he clearly makes his intentions known to you and the key people
in your lives. If during the process of courtship he is not focused he needs
counseling or to be kicked out of your life. This will be a trait that you will
deal with in the marriage if its not sorted at the beginning.
Is it true Christian guys are boring to date? what do you want them to do to you? What's you ideal experience?
