Getting married

Getting married

Here is a blog for everyone who is single and searching. Getting a spouse is not as daunting as some would want us to believe it is. I want to give a few tips that will be helpful to you. To lay a few foundations allow me to say that I am a pastor and therefore my advice is biased towards a biblical worldview. I have heard some people say, “Well I really don’t need a man/woman I can remain single and I am happy. Wellll a few of those that say this are telling the truth. Most are trying to cover the hurt, shame and pain of being disappointed. Face up to it and tell yourself the truth “I need a husband/wife” God created us with a need for relationship and the most intimate relationship by Gods design is that between husband and wife.
  
Having said that the most basic foundational truth you need to have is that believers should marry believers and sinners should marry sinners because as God puts it. Can two walk together unless they are in agreement? You have to be on the same page. What are our values, beliefs and core principles that we will use to build our relationship? If you have too many differences you will have to work extra hard to make things work. On Sunday morning he wants to sleep in you want to go to church. On Saturday night she wants to go clubbing and you want to go for a men’s meeting but if you let her go alone you not sure what she will get up to. You want to tithe and your spouse wants to see a “sangoma” (witch doctor)

So when you search; search for someone who carries the things you carry or else you will putting out fires for a long time but if the ground is level it helps. Please do not believe that I am saying you will find someone you totally agree with its not possible. You grew up with your mom or your siblings but you hardly agree on a number of issues. So it’s not wise to look for someone you totally agree with, but let the major topics be clear.

But this issues the underlying scripture that will help you. Proverbs 18 vs. 22 he that finds a wife finds a good thing. (for further explanation on this check my blog with the same title in ''Married and loving it'' http://buildingagreatmarriage.blogspot.com/2011/08/discovering-your-spouse-part-1.html ) note marriage is about finding a good thing, something that promises pleasure and not pain. People never go out of their way to seek pain they are all looking for pleasure

This is the key finding a spouse (or being found) is about promising pleasure and not pain. There are no people that seek pain deliberately. If you want to be found be a promise of pleasure to someone. Pleasure speaks of the total package not just sex. There has to be pleasure in companionship, purpose, destiny, and intellectual compatibility, recreational pleasure. All these components are part of the package.

In the social networking and going out and events program be guaranteed that there is someone out there who is looking for the pleasure you potentially can offer so always have your best foot forward. This is not to say you advertise to all the people that are searching no. But the people you meet know someone that knows someone that could be the one. If for example you are one of those sisters with high standards and that's a good thing to have, you must not spread thwarted word that you are a source of pain all the guys share CV's and soon you will develop a reputation that will be hard to erase. Always communicate clearly and strongly to the wrong guys that you are not the one. But do not develop the wrong reputation.

Men are looking for pleasure and so are you but if you portray the wrong picture you will have to work twice as hard to regain your reputation.

It might sound crude to say it’s about a promise of pleasure especially in the church circles where pleasure is seen as a bad word. Interesting to note that 54% of all marriages end up in divorce and this sadly includes Christian marriages. When you look at the causes of divorce its often-centered around sex, money and communication problems. Distilled to their simplest form people divorce because there is no pleasure in the relationship, but there is pain. No pleasure from a resource perspective, companionship perspective or sexual perspective. So I want out because someone else or something else is promising me more pleasure. This obviously is often a lie but when in pain you never really make rational decisions you want out.

The solution is simple become a pleasure expert and you will have someone chasing you. Again let me emphasize that pleasure here is not limited to sexual pleasure but includes it. Don’t tell me you are getting married just because you need a prayer partner only. Some of you might never really pray together you want someone to enjoy life with.

By the way I need to close with this "Pleasure without responsibility is not good for you" When pleasure is given there must be responsibility otherwise you will produce a lot of illegitimate things. Sex outside of marriage is a disaster in many ways you need to avoid it at all costs. Do not give away pleasure without demanding commitment and responsibility you will be hurt and hurt others. Do not use it as a trap use it as a promise if there is commitment. Take every necessary step in developing the relationship in a way that communicates seriousness and commitment not just a pursuit of pleasure without the former.