Dating vs Courtship

Is there a better way?

Love, sex, dating, courtship, broken hearts etc

Hey what do you think about dating and courtship. I would like to open a pandoras box and ask you to send you oppinion to this blog or to pastorxtreme@gmail.com In my next blog we will be discussing this interesting topic so we can get some clarity on what is the right thing to do. I know its one of those topic that can be thorny but lets deal with it. In the mean time I want to send you on a research trip to this link http://pastormark.tv/2011/10/26/dating-relating-and-fornicating and as yu read you will find some interesting stuff. Have you fallen into some traps? Do you think you have gone to far? Do you need help? Do you have questions? We thats why we are here the couch is for you as a young adult. We will not accuse you, threaten you or paint you black. If you have messed up the truth is you have messed up. Ane we will not apologize about that. But the greater truth is God knew we would mess up ad made prvision for forgineness and restoration.

If anyone is cought in a sin, you that are spiritual must restore him in humilty lest you yorself fall into the same trap. The sign of being mature and spiritual here is your ability to help and restore a brither or sister. Not your publication of how they have messed up. Some people seem the gift of discerning fornicators. Obviously there is no such gift in the Bible. But the prophetic can operate in this dimension. But if all you see is fornicators perhaps you need help also. 

We want to walk with you in the mine field of love romance and marriage. So come to the couch lets talk and build great mariaages that will be a blessing. Send your questions and comments on the above as we get ready to dialogue. I look forward to hearing from you.

By the way thank you so much for making this couch warm and comfortable by visiting it often. Lets be at home, let down your hair (if you have any) relax and lets grow together. Can I offer you something to drink?   

Personal Development is key

Discovering My GAPS

Hi trust you are well and growing in your personal life. One phrase that should be a common part of your vocabulary an is “Personal Development” A large chunk of your time as young adult should be taken up by an obsession to develop yourself in the key areas of your life, like Market place skills, social, skills, financial skills and personal development skills. This particular blog “The young Adults Couch” is designed with that in mind. I see the blog is getting more and more hits. I have received a lot of interesting responses from you and that’s been encouraging. I have also received a lot of requests to cover some other topics. Wow that’s a lot of work but I will get there. We want to cover as many key areas in your life as possible.

One important area that helped me as I went through my three-year leadership development program was the self-assessment test that helped me discover my GAPS. Giftings, Abilities, Potentials and Strengths. Knowing my GAPS helped me to know what areas I needed to work on most if I was to develop myself for effective leadership. When you know what you have you are able to make it work better and work for you. If you are ignorant of what you have and what your GAPS are you will not be effective in your life.

Work on your list of Gaps so you can discover the GAPS you are supposed to fill in life. Your assignment is a gap you are suppose to fill in this world. Perhaps your list of GAPS fits into the profile of the person who is going to discover the cure for HIV, or the person who will bring in the next great invention. Maybe your GAPS are just to help us run things better. I am gifted at encouraging people and I have envelope that ability until it has become a strength. The reason I blog is because I discovered I write very well though my style is more interactive talk on a personal level; I enjoy blogging it fulfills me. What are you willing to do even if you were not payed for it?

Take five minutes to answer the following questions. Fly over the questions do not think too deeply on them have a pen ready and write your answers as quickly as they come to mind

1. What giftings do I have?

2. What abilities have I acquired?

3. What potentials do I posses?

4. What are my strengths?

I had a great time doing this exercise it helped me locate myself, its amazing what you discover about yourself when you take a few minutes to think through some of these things. It would be useful to go through your answers again and take more thought to each answer you gave and ask questions like how accurate is this answer? Is this a strength I should posses, develop and focus on? What can I do now to make a potential a reality? What steps can I take to enhance this strength and make it more useful and productive?

If you are courageous you could even go to your mentor and get some input from them. We often find it difficult o have someone speak into our lives at a personal level because we feel they are attacking us, but it is healthy to have an independent auditor doing your books because their opinion will be more accurate. When they are done with the assessment sit and compare notes and discuss your findings. It will help you both to know what to focus your attention and energy on as you work at becoming the great person God ordained you to become.

Wow these are loaded questions and answering them puts you at an advantage to one who has not asked themselves these questions. One of the things that helped me was doing a personality assessment that helped me discover who I am and what are the benefits and consequences of being me. It was a kind of cost benefit analysis. It helped me know what I needed to confront and deal in my life and what I needed to celebrate and increase. If you can answer the question ''who am I?'' you have done well but better still ask the question ''who should I be'' but best of all ask ''who does He (God) say that I the son of man am?'' when you can answer these question you are one step closer to stepping into the greatness He has prepared for you.

Wisdom for successful living Part II

Wisdom for successful living part II

Mike Murdock teaches in his wisdom principles that information that is not retrievable is not useable. Wow that’s powerful, if you are going to be successful as a person you need to keep good records of your life. That talks about everything, your certificates, important documents, money, investments etc. This would also include what I call your vision corner. Do you have one? A place where you keep pictures of places you want to go, houses and cars you want to buy. A person you want to marry the income you want to have the business you want to start. How clear is your vision? Do you have a vision corner in your house, at you office or even on your computer? This will help you with the principle of visualization, which says you have to see it before you can pursue it and have faith for it.

Work towards order everyday until order is a habit. Mike also says a habit of order will take you to any future you desire. I like that, please note that most of us were not born into an orderly lifestyle we have to learn to be orderly. I am glad I have a wife who will not allow me to settle in disorder she insists that everything I do must be done well. We fight about parking the car straight and putting the shoes in the right place. She even demands to read the blog’ before I post them to make sure there are no typos and grammatical errors. So when you see disorder know I posted before she saw them and know I will get a lecture. But this has brought about greater fruitfulness in all I do. Order is a good thing. When God introduces us to himself in Genesis He was putting order into the planet. I encourage you to work at creating order in every area of your life.

God knew that for things to work well there has to be order and when He was done he assigned man to maintain order in the garden. Name the animals and make sure things function according to the set plan and man did that until there was disorder and the woman ate then he ate then we were all in trouble because things were out of order. When there is no order you will have a lot of frustration. Order is often defined as the profitable arrangement of things. Are you profiting in your life or there is loss. Loss of time trying to find your underwear, loss of time because you misfiled the reports that are needed at work. Loss of relationships because there is disorder in your life, you will attract a wife that is like you. Orderly people tend to run away from disorderly people. So if marriage does not seem to be happening check if there is disorder in your emotions, finances, planning, personal growth etc.

You need to do a check up on the order levels in your life. I have been working on this a lot of late because many things were out of order. I could tell there was disorder because the first indicator of disorder is lack, poverty and limitation. Proverbs 27 vs. 23-27 says be DILIGENT to know the state of your flock, look well to your herds then he tells us that riches do not last forever but if you do the above you will have enough wool for clothing, food and money to sustain your staff. So order is a good thing to have.

Consider this as you plan to put order in your life.
1.    Do I have a good diary to plan my day, week month year?
2.    Do I have a journal to chronicle all the important events of my life?
3.    Do I run a good budget? Keep receipts, plan in advance on my expenditure etc
4.    Do I manage my relationships well? (See previous blog)
5.    Do I invest sufficiently into my personal development?
6.    Is there some one walking me through all of this? Am I accountable?

Hope you learnt something, now go ahead and do it

Wisdom for living Successfully

Young adults couch

Wisdom for living successfully

Hi there its been a while since we've been together in the young adults couch. I have been busy with so much on my plate but I am back and I know we will have a great time. I have been doing my research however and I have all my info I need about young adults so you are sure to get value for money. Well its free but you will be empowered. I will endeavor to address the areas of need that stand out the most in the life of a young adult. So if you have questions you want addressed send them through and we will discuss them together and find some answers.

In the next few blog' I want to tackle the subject of ''Market place empowerment'' as you develop in life and come to the place of making decisions about careers, relationships, finances, success, marriage and so on; you begin to realize that there is a lot of decisions to make. This is a part of life and we all have to go through this stage. My real challenge with all this is we were never taught how to make decisions well. It always amazes me why the education system in Africa does not teach some of these important matters. They seem to teach things that make us good subjects, good workers and all the other smaller stuff, but never the important things like opening off shore investment accounts, how to change an unjust constitution. After all who wants Africans making good decisions and influencing the world?

I believe that the greatest thing our education system can do for us is to empower people to make a difference in life and I am not talking about tertiary education I am talking about primary and secondary school. I am talking about coming out of school with the necessary tools to make life work. Anyway lets talk to you now, what life decisions are you making in this season? Do you feel adequately equipped to make them? Are you living life by design or by accident? I discovered that most people are just living by chance hoping that somethings happens tomorrow to make things better. LIFE IS GOVERNED BY PRINCIPLES.

These are very important questions that every young adult needs to look at and give considerable time thinking through these. Failure to do so means you will never reach your full potential. I have always taught that the most outstanding ingredient in life that makes one stand out in life is vision. Proverbs says where there is no vision the people perish, another translation says where there is no divine guidance the people run wild. That sounds like what is going on. In other words vision is a means of receiving divine guidance. There is an inference that there is a blueprint or master plan for ones life. Success therefore is the ability to see perceive that plan and begin to act it out its the ability to fully live out all that is ordained for you. I teach people that if you can Perceive it you can conceive it and you can achieve it. Or what the mind can perceive it can conceive and it can achieve. If you have a viosion of it your mind can create a path to make it happen.

Your career, you relationships, your finances must therefore of necessity meet certain standards that God has set. Do not live below the God set standard endeavor to live life out to the full.  I was telling people that there are many people living below the BDL Blessing datum line. In order to do this you will need to be well connected to people that will enable you to do that. When you have a picture of the life that is to be lived the next thing you need is the necessary relationships that will bring into your life the knowledge, skills and information needed to make your vision a reality. John Maxwell teaches a law called the law of the inner circle ''Those closest to you determine the level of success'' can I pause here and encourage you to do a relationship inventory. This means you have to ask yourself these questions and take time to write the detailed answers; after giving thought to your answers you will find that you have what I call "relationship clutter".

That means there are some relationships that are not necessary and there are others that are being underutilized. We all tend to find it easier to spend time with the ''liability relationships" and not "investing" time into "asset relationship". I use these word deliberately because when you spend time its gone and when you invest time its an asset that will work for you later. We will talk more on this in a later blog. Let me close by giving you the questions you need to ask yourself.

1. Who are the top ten people in my life?
2. On a scale of 1-10 rate the relationship to see if the is good return on investment. In other words you say. John is my friend I invest four hours a week with him, what returns am I getting from this relationship. This sound technical and unfriendly well if you feel a relationship has no or little value you will not be committed to it. If you discover that it is a key relationship its value will appreciate and you will get more from it.
3. Are these relationships necessary?
4. Are these relationships adding to the vision in my heart?
5. What key areas in my life are not getting a consistent or sufficient supply of investment?

Look at each question deeply and honestly and your life will begin to change. The quality of life=quality of information knowledge)=quality of relationships. Remember the equations from school, I hated them but these ones are easier. You can put these together in any order and get standard results. Which part d you need to change? Let me leave it at that so you can buy the whole kit on building key relationship and dealing with relationship clutter.

Types of men

Types of men

Now that last post was hectic it got a lot of passionate responses at the young adults couch talk show. If you missed the last one make a date with the young adults. In this blog we are looking at the types of men out there. Do you have a profile of the kind of man you want to hook up with. I know the ladies are always more organized in this than the guys. From about three you hear young girls talk about getting married and having children while the guys are playing cops and robbers or deceiving themselves that they are batman or spider man.

Well believe it or not there are no super heroes with six packs out there that come and rescue you from the dragon or the robbers but there are real men that eat normal food that sleep and get angry but still can win your heart. So wake up and let’s deal with the real world as we prepare to get married.  Can I begin with the notes that I highlighted in the previous blog on types of women this will help you not get depressed that there is no hero waiting to sweep you off your feet.

Please note
1.    None of them are irredeemable you just have to know what you are dealing with, God can work on them and develop other components or characteristics that you like or want to see
2.    Some of these people can change if worked on and dealt with well. The Bible says husbands must deal with their wives with understanding if things are to work well for you. My wife often says honey you have a tough job in understanding me because sometimes I don’t understand myself
3.    Some people are actually looking for some of the characteristics that might be a put of to another (EG. A weak timid man might need a queen of spades or a slave master because he feels she will get things happening. Men from mom headed homes are often soft and tender like Jacob)
4.    You can find some of these attributes mixed up in different people in different measures and like a salad you can increase the cheese and reduce the tomatoes
5.    You will have to do a trade of and say I am willing to take this even if it looks incomplete according to my profile of a spouse but I know that we can work on it.
6.    You might need to look at the raw materials of some of the things you desire from a spouse but be willing to work on them, because some raw material is just that raw material
7.    Be willing to accept that some things will never change. That’s always tough for people to accept
You might find that you want a bit of Casanova in the guy and two ounces of a pastor and a heap of raging bull in him have an action plan on how you can make that a reality. These characteristics when managed right can work for the good of the relationship

1. The Casanova
This is the typical heart breaker, little or no commitment to the relationship or to the person
Has little regard for your feelings
Very romantic (He's your ''Romeo and Juliet'' type of man, he's got the words, style warmth that would melt your heart but he can be generous with his romance with others)
He moves faster than yesterday’s news, here today gone tomorrow caught the next beauty that came by
His charm always wins him a girl to show of as a prized possession

2. The Raging bull
Full of energy and moves at high speed
He enjoys himself and life always out and about doing something
He enjoys his looks ''six pack and all'' uses it for his advantage
Will often make the woman feel that she is lucky to have him (Marry had her eyes on me so you better be glad you got me)
Can be indifferent about your feelings, was never taught to be affectionate and tender
Can stomp on you and hurt you and not know what he did

3. The cowboy
He wants to drive the relationship (not as a leader but as a boss)
He has a whip as part of his tools and spurs on his boots When you don’t listen he will use his tools)
He makes things happen there is momentum in the relationship but it’s at his pace (you feel pushed and driven along on the journey)
Can have little or no regard for your feelings he wants to achieve things
Travels a lot can be away for long periods of time ''for the good of the family'' while neglecting the family
Not very consultative independent spirit will not notice you till he needs something
He loves himself, very self centered will make noise when ignored
Believes in hard work and delivery & 'results'

4. The promise keeper (The covenant man)
He is unemotional about things and very principled
He is not very romantic not good with words
He is faithful and there, often make good father
He is loving and mindful of you (remembers anniversaries and birthdays including the children’s)
Expects high level of commitment from partner
Very time conscious and cannot understand those that are sloppy in this area

5. The genius
He is sharp intelligent and creative
He is committed because he has no time or energy to start another relationship
He is shy and introverted he is a thinker not very social but can thrive in a creative think tank of like minded people
He recovers slowly when let down because he is very committed to the relationship
Not very good with personal grooming
Not very good at conversation and relationship building

6. The worker
He delivers amazing things. He can cook, clean and manage the home better than his wife.
He is faithful dependable and reliable
He is naïve he thinks the whole world is diligent like him
He is not very fun to be around, no humor or idle chitchat “we have work to do”

7. The Pastor
Very sweet and boring kind of guy
Very loving warm and understanding and compassionate
Committed to relationship but needs to learn fun and adventure and fun and re-creation. Understands covenant though very loyal
Can be very good at giving attention outside without realizing the neglect at home
Very encouraging and motivational but does little around the house.

So ladies which guy do you prefer, like they say one woman’s meat is another woman’s gossip (lol) You might also want to practice the salad principle a little of this and a little of that and a big dash of that, and can I have the bacon well done please. Well that often work but know that then men come standard and your prayer and strategy can grow the other areas.

Lets talk about this (Esclusive to the Young adults couch)

The Young Adults Couch: Types of women

The Young Adults Couch: Types of women: "Types of men & women in the world I was taught by the best and I had the privilege of knowing some important ingredients about the final s..." Know whats on the market before you go shopping

Types of women

Types of men & women in the world

I was taught by the best and I had the privilege of knowing some important ingredients about the final steps before you even consider whom to marry and I want to share with you in this blog. We had a blast at a talk show we hosted a few weeks back on what to look at as you prepare to get married. Have a laugh in this blog and discover yourself or your potential spouse and you do this review.

Part of preparing to get married means you have to know what you are getting into a relationship with because you do not want too many surprises. One too many surprises is too many so here is a rough guideline that will help you. My Dad Dr. Shana taught that there are certain types of women that you will meet out there and that you have to know how to handle them or else they will handle you. There are some ground rules to know before you read these notes other  wise you will freak out and say well that’s not me or he is not like that.

Please note

1. None of them are irredeemable you just have to know what you are dealing with, God can work on them and develop other components or characteristics that you like or want to see
2. Some of these people can change if worked on and dealt with well. The Bible says husbands must deal with their wives with understanding if things are to work well for you. My wife often says honey you have a tough job in understanding me because sometimes I don’t understand myself
3. Some people are actually looking for some of the characteristics that might be a put of to another (EG. A weak timid man might need a queen of spades or a slave master because he feels she will get things happening. Men from mom headed homes are often soft and tender like Jacob)
4. You can find some of these attributes mixed up in different people in different measures and like a salad you can increase the cheese and reduce the tomatoes
5. You will have to do a trade of and say I am willing to take this even if it looks incomplete according to my profile of a spouse but I know that we can work on it.
6. You might need to look at the raw materials of some of the things you desire from a spouse but be willing to work on them, because some raw material is just that raw material
7. Be willing to accept that some things will never change. That’s always tough for people to accept

Right here we the first type of woman

1. The competitor
She will try and show you off to her friends and prove that she has the better guy
When she leaves you she brings around the new guy to show you that I have a sub and I am fine without you. Showing off is key to her, as she feels good about it, it’s an ego booster
She holds on to you strongly in a bid to always have the right public appeal
She wants you t be amazing in your accomplishments so she can have something to talk about
She can be a strong motivator but a poor friend because her motives are often selfish

2. The Slave master
Control freak (She is in charge, where we go, who we see, color of the car we buy, how you dress) she can be called “The mother” (Someone with a compulsive desire to exert control over situations and people.)
You become a slave of love she makes you unhappy when she feels she is not in charge
She wants your world to revolve around her (Where were you? You didn’t call me, whose number is this?)
From a model of a domineering mother or fear of looking week
Or grew up in a mother/child headed home (no picture of a solid family)

3. The wounded shrew
Always communicating pain hurt to get attention and empathy
She makes you feel like the hero/doctor love (Oh ever since you came into my life I have been so happy)
Wants you to pay attention to her (I am going through so much)
She will even create a fight so she can get attention (You came late again I felt so unloved…)
Always needs love, when healed they create new wounds because they feed on the attention
They are demanding and difficult to get along with
They want your time space and attention all the time

4. The hiding beauty
She does not think/realize that she is beautiful
Or she might know she is beautiful and fears getting taken advantage of therefore she hides it (They feel people are just coming for her beauty)
They have confidence issues; they want to be complimented often so they feel loved
Thy can be a bit schizophrenic (I’m beautiful and I not sure if they see it, they see my beauty and will take advantage of me, maybe I am not beautiful enough)
They need snow whites mirror (the ugly which and the raving beauty are fighting)

5. The desperado
They are desperate to be loved
Any one can do just to get love; they flaunt themselves at men hoping for a catch
Will use sex to get attention will flaunt her sexuality to get love
Is very aggressive in pursuing the relationship. Once you show interest she will sink her claws deep into you and will not give up easily
(Guys are often scared of by desperate women they think if it’s this easy to get who else got?) Guys feel that the pursuit has got to have adventure in it “hard to get is often attractive to them

6. Flower in the wind
Blown about all over the place, not very stable and not very committed to the relationship
Is in the middle of the road about life “Well whatever”
If the lotto of love blows my way I will get a man.
Even when pursued she would rather not commit herself too much she is open to anything. This often serves to protect herself from the pain of rejection “Well I didn’t think it will last anyway”
She is sweet and loving though when she is caught
She is a high maintenance person you have to keep pursuing

7. Queen of spades
She says I love you but you don't deserve me. You have to work hard to qualify for her approval
“Dress like this do that go there” keep up appearances or you will pay
She is tough on the outside but often very soft and insecure inside. She needs the love and does not want to show it
She will place many demands that help her feel secure in your love by meeting them. When this is not done you will have a storm on your hands