Christians are boring to date?

Lets talk dating, courting, kissing and sex

Hey thank you for the responses sent on the blogs let me address some of the things that have come up as questions. I need to be clear to you that the Word of God is the best foundation for building your life. I have seen so many people hurting and going through so much pain because they never took heed to the Word of God. Let it be clear in you mind Hollywood does not love you; they did not die for you all they want is your money and your soul to go to hell. They ensure they depress enough people to sell anti depressants to and enough people with HIV to sell ARV’s enough divorces to say marriage does not work try our option of alternate lifestyles, the list goes on.

On the other hand God loves you so much He sent Jesus to die for you and paid the ultimate love price to show that His intentions are not malicious. The irony is that we believe the lie and reject truth, thinking God is trying to take away our fun in life. Anyway enough of that lets look at some responses.

“I am a young man who has found his other rib and has paid the bride price... me and my fiancée we have had our sexual moments and we both agreed to hold that till we get married now my challenge is how do I show her I love her without kissing her and ending up having sex... I have heard ladies saying that church guys are of no fun so please help me I don’t want to break our agreement of not having sex until we get married but now how do I make her feel loved?”

This is a big question in the minds of many young people and the answer is simple enough. For a guy showing me that you love me is give me sex and we often make the mistake of thinking that women think the same way. Sex to a woman is an expression of the closeness that you share particularly when the woman feels she can open up to you and be vulnerable. I was shocked when I got married and discovered that sex does not translate to love in my wife’s head. At this moment if you keep the promise you made to her you might communicate to her that you do live and value her more than any other act.

Secondly it is Hollywood that has painted the picture that the ideal “exciting relationship” is the one where every date ends up with the two of you tearing of your clothing and biting each other and you end up making love in the car, bed or some other strange place. This works in marriage but non-committal relationships leave you with a bad taste and guilt and heartache.

I highly recommend that courting couples avoid doing things that get your sexual gears going like touching, petting, caressing, smooching and extended high pressure hugs. Now if after you read this you say wow that has taken away all the fun things we can do then you are boring and your creativity is below sea level. There is more to love and marriage than sex, when you get married you will get very stuck and sex will have lost value to you. If the sexual pressure is high then set an earlier wedding date and get out of the danger zone. Sex kills creativity and proper discovery of each other as this will now cause you to be motivated to be together only for sex.

Remember you motivation is love for each other not that you are afraid of going to hell. I had opportunity to have sexual intercourse with my girlfriend then but the thought of messing up her life and value system and the thoughts that she would think that I just want her body not her helped me make some decisions that helped me. In counseling couples that have had sex before marriage and are about to get married we often say to the guy you need to apologize to your girlfriend because as the head you are supposed to protect her and by doing this you have violated trust and you need to build a strong trust foundation before she can totally open up to you without the same feeling of being taken for a ride. She goes through the relationship thinking, “I am just a pair of bums, thighs and breasts and I am a vagina. I am not a person but a toy to give him entertainment.” I had something to look forward to at our honeymoon and that made everything that much more special. Though I had a lot to learn I was so ignorant but that’s a topic for another day.

You need to talk to each other a define fun according to you and the Word of God. There is a reason why God said flee fornication and there are benefits. Its always a bit sad when we marry couples that have been doing it as there is no excitement to say “wow I am going to discover something new” its more like “well been there done that, got the empty condom packet to prove it”. A honeymoon should be filled with anticipation and anxiety, oh wow what will he think? What will I do? How will she respond? Too many times we have too much experience. This is one area where your CV should say no experience in this area.

Hope my language is not too strong for you if it is its ok we all need a shake up once in a while, but this is how we are in the young adults couch. Speaking the truth in love.

My second response is to a young lady with the following question.

Good evening Sir

Thank you for a lovely blog, it’s blessed me a lot.

Firstly can we define what courtship is?

As a sister, you are at a point in your life when you looking to settle down so you meet a lot of brothers and after getting to know them, u have an idea of who you would like to continue with from the circle of friends.

As a lady, I like to define everything in my life, so since dating isn’t really seen in the Christian society, there’s a gentleman whom I’m interested in and he is interested in me but we aren’t dating, we just friends so there’s not really any commitment towards us.

And then you find that this gentleman is going around having dates with other ladies as he is free to do so because the two of you are just friends.

It usually leaves a lady in a position where she is hurt.

Are there different stages between courting and engagement?

Wow this is deep my sister let me me begin by saying thank you for the comment about the blogs, its always good to know someone is being ministered to.

To answer you let me begin by defining courtship. This is the process of focusing your attention on a particular person and investing time in the relationship with the intent of establishing a meaningful marriage relationship.

In other words you find some one you have a keen interest in and you want to establish a relationship that will lead to marriage. You are not experimenting you are focused because he/she meets your requirements list and you feel confident that God is happy with your choice. This is not the stage of investigating basic info. Is he seeing someone else, is he a visionary person? Does he have a trustworthy character etc. this should have been done way before you even begin to settle on making room for him in your life.

Many people ladies in particular wait until late to get the 411 (vital info) and by the time they get it they are already getting dizzy with love (infatuation) that they cannot think straight. I hear this a lot “Pastor I am confused this guy is like this and that I love him but…” think of it you only attend interviews to jobs that you are comfortable with because you research on the company that’s about to hire you. Why not use the same sense when it comes to a lifetime commitment?

To avoid getting hurt control your hormones and emotions by speaking to them and keeping your head then when your info is clear let him into your space slowly, this is heart and emotion space not body space. This leads to the courtship, which again should be, build on trust and accountability. I tell my daughters don’t trust a guy who is not accountable and submitted somewhere, he will play you, hurt you chew you and spit you out and you are left to clean the sticky mess. Value yourself and carry yourself in a way that will make him value you. After all you are worth it, have you seen how beautiful you are?

As the courtship stage matures he should begin to take the relationship seriously and should introduce you to key people that will evaluate you and see where the two of you are headed and that’s about the time that he should ask you to marry him and engagement etc. engagement is a point in time during the process of courtship that he clearly makes his intentions known to you and the key people in your lives. If during the process of courtship he is not focused he needs counseling or to be kicked out of your life. This will be a trait that you will deal with in the marriage if its not sorted at the beginning.

Is it true Christian guys are boring to date? what do you want them to do to you? What's you ideal experience?